Glee starts tonight in the U.K at 9pm on E4. We for one can't wait. We've had enough of miserable crime dramas and reality shows (though we are loving Vinnie Jones' contempt for Alex Reid on Celebrity Big Brother!), we need some light frothy fun for these god awful winter nights!
Before we start with our weekly X Factor roundup, we thought we’d address the lack of XFactor related pieces last week. We were actually stuck in the middle of nowhere on the Monday without any internet access – however, when we came to write the piece the following day, we realised that there wasn’t really much to say. Danyl was still shit. Joe still good but boring. Stacey still shakey and Olly still preposterous. We were actually, surprisingly, a bit sad about Lloyd going – he might not have been the strongest singer, but he was the closest they had to someone who could actually be a popstar in the real world...
So, onto this week’s show...
01. Firstly can we just stress how much we HATE Simon Cowell this season?? When did it happen? Where has it came from? This is the man who usually spoke for everyone watching by telling things how they were– this year however, he’s petty, bad tempered, and more importantly, clueless. His shameless pimping of DanYl, a guy who couldn’t hit a note if it was standing right in front of him, has been quite cringeworthy to watch...
02. We may as well get it out the way now seeing as we’re talking about DanYl – hurrah! We’re so glad he’s gone. What took so long??! Simon’s pimping reached new proportions this week despite DanYl singing like he had two tennis balls stuffed in his mouth and a clothes peg on his nose. As usual, he spent both of his songs completely off key, before omitting a blood curdling screaming towards the end. We can’t say we’ll miss having to hear that ‘singing’ every week....
03. And what of the rest? It’s hard to get enthused to be honest. Stacey’s ‘Somewhere’ was pretty impressive, but she’s hardly in Leona’s league. Hell, she’s not even in Lucie’s league. And the less said about her ‘sexy’ rendition of ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ the better. Bad move Dannii, bad move....
04. Joe’s ‘She’s Out Of My Life’ was probably his best performance of the series – the first time we’ve genuinely enjoyed one of his performances. But he’s still SOOO dull! And who’s styling him?? He looked like some chav going down to Bigg Market this week. Should we mention the teeth again? Or the bizarre head tilt? Or even the walking – how does he walk so annoyingly??!
05. We don’t even know what to say about Olly. We want to kill him. Yes, we know that ladies of a certain age seem to love him – but the fact is he can’t sing, he certainly can’t dance and he’s a twat. His ‘moves’ during ‘We Can Work It Out’ were so embarrassing that we wanted to hide behind the sofa. He’s not cool, he looks like an embarrassing uncle at a wedding. And why was he dressed like a dental hygienist?? Dear God, why??!!
06. We *heart* Lady Gaga. Now, that’s how you do a performance. We did find it quite funny when someone called into The Xtra Factor later and somehow managed to compare her to Olly, as they’re both ‘performers’. Only in the same way that you could call both Aldi and Harrods ‘food halls’.
07. We also *heart* Janet. We have to admit, we’re not as big a fan of fat Janet, and ‘Make Me’ isn’t exactly her strongest single, but she still ran rings around the contestants we have left. She probably refused to speak after her performance after seeing her brothers songs murdered one by one the night before...
08. Oh, and how short is Joe?! Dermot towers over him, and isn’t Dermot a midget??! He looks like the lovechild of Jaws and Jeanette Krankie.
09. We’re only at nine, and we have nothing more to say L
10. Bring on the final next week – if only so we can finally say goodbye to this sorry, sorry excuse of a series...
01. OK. We’ll be honest. We actually missed this week’s X Factor. The first one of the whole series. We watched the performances the next day on Youtube however, and we’ve decided that maybe this is the best way of watching X Factor – we can fast forward the snoozesome introductions and judges squabbling, and you’re done in about 15 minutes!
02. In retrospect, George Michael week wasn’t a very good idea was it? It showed up the majority of the contestants as really average singers, whilst the majority of his memorable songs were inexplicably absent – Jesus To A Child, Club Tropicana, Father Figure, Praying for Time, Freedom...
03. Why did Louis spend ages banging on about Joe ‘cheating’ by singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ – originally by Elton John, yet congratulate Dannii on a perfect song choice for Stacey, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’, originally by...Bonnie Raitt.
04. We’re starting to worry ourselves with the fact that we’ve actually quite liked Lloyd two weeks in a row. Granted, he’s often as flat as a runover hedgehog, but he does have the most distinctive tone of all the contestants left. We liked his haircut as well.
05. Stacey’s almost really good isn’t she?? There are flashes of real talent in all of her performances, but ultimately they’re always a bit hit and miss. We think we want her to win now though.
06. DanYl. TwatYl. Whatever you want to call him. WHO is voting for him?? Why was Cheryl the only one calling him out for being completely flat? And has Simon not realised that everytime he blatantly lies and tells us that TwatYl is an ‘amazing’ singer, his credibility diminishes that little bit more...
07. Olly. Oh Olly. We really despise DanYl. Yet even we have to admit that it wasn’t him, but Olly that gave the worst performance of the night – a lame, insipid, tuneless mess of a performance that just highlighted how weak his voice is. And memo to Olly and Simon – ‘Fast Love’ is almost fifteen years old – hardly contemporary...
08. We still hate Joe. Sorry. Singing every song like you’re channelling Michael Ball does not a popstar make...
09. Why was Cheryl dressed as Minnie Mouse?? She really has been a style loser this series hasn’t she?? Whilst the Minogue, with one notable exception, has been impeccable throughout, Cheryl looks like someone trying WAY too hard...
10. Poor Jedward. The show won’t be the same without them. Whoever wins, it’s the twins performance of ‘Oops I Did It Again’ that will forever be the highlight of this series...
01. Thank you the great British public. We never lost faith in you. Finally we are rid of smelly haired rocker ‘Jamie’ or ‘Getajob’ as we like to call him. Despite sounding like he was suffering a bowel prolapse everytime he sung, Jamie somehow managed to get to the final seven. His version of ‘Crying’ will forever live on in our nightmares....
02. Olly. Oh Olly. Sometimes we wonder if the judges are watching a different show to us. Because the only word we can think of to sum up Olly’s performance is ‘bizarre’. The woefully out of tune singing. The insane gurning. And the dancing. Oh the dancing. Memo to Olly – you don’t look cool. You don’t look contemporary. You look like a twat. A twat with some kind of weird muscle spasm condition.
03. We still hate Joe. Sorry. We know it’s a bit like kicking a puppy. But Joe is the kind of popstar that hasn’t existed since 2002. Has he been stuck in some kind of timewarp? One where it’s acceptable to have teeth like that?? And what’s with his weird penchance for hoodies underneath blazers or waistcoats? Like he can’t decide whether he’s going to the local park to drink cider or an interview? Can someone please SACK THE STYLIST???!
04. Lloyd was surprisingly alright this week. As much as it pains us to say it, we’re warming to him ever so slightly. He’s good value, if only for the joy in watching his glazed expression and look of genuine confusion whenever anyone asks him a simple question. ‘Village idiot’ is the vibe we’re getting....
05. Stacey was AMAZING. It’s nice to see that maybe she can get to the final on actually being able to sing rather than simply doing her usual female Frank Spencer schtick...
06. John and Edward continue to be TV gold. Where do we start?? Not content with the usual spasmodic dancing, lack of co-ordination, and out of time singing, this time they added a stage invading Calvin Harris wearing a pineapple on his head, a Vanilla Ice v Queen mash up, and Edward almost falling over whilst bursting onto the stage. No wonder they avoided the bottom two! And they get bonus points for this interaction with Dermot – ‘this week we met Queen. The band. Not the actual Queen'. AMAZING.
07. Dannii’s hair on the Sunday show!!! Now Dannii, you know we love you. And we’re going to convince ourselves that it was somehow ironic. As SURELY you couldn’t honestly think it looked good?? And the dress looked like something Fraulein Maria pieced together...
08. We know the charity song is for a good cause. But dear God, it’s bad. Weak, lifeless vocals. So much autotune that they all sound like Johnny Five. The tinny backing track. Danyl. MJ would be turning in his grave....
09. Shakira looked hot, eh?? Still sounded like a sheep being run over though...
10. Now that you seem to be listening to us, can we please get rid of Danyl next? We’re really getting tired of seeing his tonsils every week....
Oh dear. Where to start! Could it be the long haired guy on the right that looks so mortified with the whole thing that he can't bring himself to look at the camera, or the over enthusiastic kid at the front who bizarrely looking like one of the Corrs sisters. The whole palaver has caused his poor neck to disappear!
And spare a thought for the guy in the red jumper. So overwhelmed with being in a photoshoot, that he couldn't even pop his poppers at the same time as the rest of his family!
Wrong. On soooo many levels.
This popped in our inbox today from the BBC. We're almost tempted to go and watch the spectacle. We'd like to ask Jamelia what the hell she's playing at attaching herself to this! We'd like to meet Jermaine Jackson and ask him a few questions. First, we'd ask if we could meet Janet! We'd also like to ask him how long he is going to milk such a tragic situation for his own gains. But we really want to go so we can study his bizarre hair. Is it real or a plastic mould? Why does it look similar to Robbie Rottens (Lazy Town) We're fascinated by it! We really want to touch it to find out.
The new series of Beautiful People starts this week on BBC2. If you missed the first series, we'll give you a quick recap, but really, you should have watched it!
Beautiful People is a bit like the Wonder Years but funnier. Set in Reading in the 90's, it follows the story of young Simon Doonan and his dysfunctional family and friends. It's filled with camp musical numbers and fantasy sequences. Excellent! Just the way we like our tv programmes.
Watch out during the series for cameos from Dannii Minogue, Eurovision winner Dana International and Elaine Paige. We can't wait! Just to wet your whistle, here's one of our favourite scenes from the first series.
Beautiful People starts Friday 13th November, BBC2 10pm
01. OK, so as you might have guessed from our earlier rant, we're just a little bit pissed at the lovely Lucie getting the boot this week in favour of the twins. Don't get us wrong, as you'll have noticed from our previous posts, we think the twins are pretty much the most entertaining act this year. But wholly for all the wrong reasons. Lucie may not have connected 100% with the audience, but she was easily the strongest singer in the competition - which was what made it even worse when Simon Cowell crushed her dreams like they were nothing. 'It's not life or death' he stated afterwards when confronted about kicking the talented Welsh lass out - not for you Mr Cowell with your multiple houses and millions in the bank, but for Lucie, a girl who had worked hard at this for years, it' is life or death. The difference between having a career she dreams of, and going back to working in a shop in her village. Shame on you Mr.Cowell.
02. So on to the rest of the show. We've said it once, we've said it a million times, who the fuck is voting for Jamie??! If we find out who you are, we're going to come round your house and break every single one of your fingers so you can't dial his number anymore. His performance of Crying on Saturday, at times, sounded more akin to a seal being harpooned to death rather than singing. It was painful. What was more bizarre is that he was then given great feedback from the judges. Is this some weird reverse psychology thing?
03. Oh Lloyd. So shit. We're not sure what's more excrutiating - having to listen to him 'sing', or the awkwardness of watching Dermot or Holly trying to interview him. It's like seeing the local village idiot suddenly thrust on stage and trying to have a conversation with real grown ups...
04. Louis argument with Dermot was pointless. if you're gonna have a go at him, at least call him out for being the most smug, disingenuous, and false TV presenter since.....actually, we can't think of anyone worse...
05. Danyl. Shaving your head won't suddenly make people forget that you're a knob. And memo to Simon - his 'Purple Rain' wasn't even a tenth as good as Ruth Lorenzo's last year. You know it, we know it, stop making a fool of yourself...
06. To that end, sit the fuck down, and stop giving all your acts standing ovations every time they so much as omit a whimper on the stage. The fact that you gave Danyl one last week after singing most of the song in a key that only he could hear pretty much invalidates every time you do it...
07. Wasn't Dannii's hair AMAZING on the results show??
08. Fergie's vocal on the results show. Woah! Now those are some pipes. We hope the contestents felt suitably embarassed afterwards...
09. Oh Leona. It looked like she'd took a bit of crazy before she went on stage, especially with that very bizarre eye make up. Vocally not the strongest we've ever heard her, but still about 100 leagues higher than the dregs we're left with this year.
10. Oh, we almost forgot to write about Olly. Dances like he's having a mild epileptic fit. Sings like he's a Butlins redcoat. Yet somehow, a whole nation of females seems to think he's the second coming. We keep reading words like 'talented' being bandied about in relation to him. Here's an idea. Give him a ballad - say something like 'Leave Right Now'. One where he can't show off those caraaazy moves. And then see how he copes. Because all his end of the pier schtick does is hide the fact that he's actually not a very good singer....
11. Joe. Yes, we know, sweet, fluffy Joe. How could we have anything bad to say about him?? We can't help it, we have a very inexcplicable hatred. Is it the bad teeth? The bad hair? The shit eating grin he sports even when he's being criticized? Or the Princess Diana head tilt he does everytime someone speaks to him? We just don't know. And for the record Joe, 'Circle Of Life' was originally sung by world famous POP singer Elton John. Don't blame the song just because you sang it like you were auditioning for Les Mis...
12. And finally, we're going to come back to Lucie's exit. The sing off. It's not really working is it? For three weeks running we've been told that the sing off would be judged purely on the final performances. But for three weeks running, the three contestents with the stronger performances (Miss Frank, Rachel, and Lucie) have been taken to deadlock rather than saved. It now seems like the deadlock is used every single time, so what's the point? If the final sing off isn't actually used as a means of actually deciding who to vote off, then why not just have it be a public vote?? Mainly because it couldn't then be used to suit Cowell's agenda, which is seemingly to ensure that all the girls are voted off as early as possible this year....
That was a pretty long rant, eh? *Breathes out....*
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